By Liam Rooney
So Mr. Tarantino liked my script? He read it, right? What questions? Well I was hoping to talk to Mr. Tarantino himself. Oh no, no. I’m glad to talk to you. Okay, yes…changes? To the script? Uh sure, like what scenes?
No, it’s fine. Yes I would be open to some rewriting. That means Mr. Tarantino’s interested, right? Preliminary stage? Prelim to the preliminary stage? I guess that’s better than whatever precedes that.
Well, yes I am a Christian, but as you can tell from my script for “Jesus Unchained” I’m not one of those namby pamby goody two shoes conventional types. You might say Evangelical with an edge. There’s a lot of us you know. We broke box offices for “The Passion of the Christ” in ’04, look it up. Why retell it? Because this story deserves a Taratino style of realism. It’s gotten stale with so many retellings and they think they’re getting grittier with current films but they just keep on with that worn out image of a gentle Jesus. People find strength in our Lord and Savior, so obviously the guy was tough. The real Jesus could stand his ground.
Mr. Tarantino liked the temple scene? Great, great. I agree. Those money changers didn’t vacate willingly. It was a brawl and Jesus had to kick some butt. That’s why he brought a whip. Yeah he took some licks, but in the end those chumps vamoosed to save their asses. It’s a great action scene. The Lord really cleans the place out.
What did Mr. Tarantino think of my suggesting Brad Pitt for the role? I know, I know, it’s not the scriptwriter’s job…right, right, but he can still pass for 33, especially a hanging-out-in-the-desert-in-33 AD kind of 33. Well then let the make-up artists work some miracles.
The Last Supper scene? Well, yeah, I guess the apostles would be pretty drunk. No, I don’t think there would be any women in the scene. What would they be doing? Oh for God’s sake, really? Well I guess it shows that these guys are heterosexual, so okay, I guess. At least one bi? Well…uh..but not Jesus, right. No, no hetero for sure. Good, good. He’s not only not drunk, he’s still chaste. At least on this night, right?
Well if Judas is that drunk then his betrayal is chalked up to simple intoxication. I’m not sure that works. Oh yeah, right, greedy, working on it for months. Makes sense. I’m thinking Charlie Sheen for Judas. No? Oh right, right, way off track here. Sorry. Next question?
That soldier’s ear in Gethsemane? I can explain. The reason I had Jesus kicking the Roman’s butt is because after Peter slices the guy with his sword…hey I want to point out that the apostles are all armed to the teeth. If they were around today they would be Second Amendment Christians. You know Jerusalem was a rough neighborhood back then. And they’re protecting Our Lord so of course they’re packing. Well no, but I figure if Peter is packing a sword then the others are also carrying – daggers, clubs, what have you.
So Jesus kicks the Roman soldier’s butt before sticking his ear back on for two reasons. First, Peter just cut the Roman, so you gotta figure any kind of a soldier won’t just sit there and wait for Jesus to fix him up. The Lord has got to subdue him in order to help him. Kind of like when you’re doctoring a wild animal. Second, Jesus always kicks some Roman soldiers’ asses every chance he gets to demonstrate that he can, whenever he wants to, but when he doesn’t it’s because he’s making a statement for all of eternity. And yeah, yeah, peace and harmony and all that. No, I didn’t include that turn-the-other-cheek thing. I mean a film script can only be so long, right?
I guess I would be open to a bigger melee in the Garden of Gethsemane. With the commotion of Peter sticking that soldier and then Jesus wrangling the dude and healing his ear and all, the other apostles would have to wake up. And like I said, they’re all packing so… actually, I like that idea. Mr. Tarantinto’s got great instincts. Yeah, let the whole team mix it up.
The Crucifixion, that’s the gritty part. They run him through a kangaroo court, strip him naked – another reason to cast someone buff like Brad Pitt – and torture him in all kinds of ways before finally nailing him to the cross. It’s a real tough scene, weaker audience members should be throwing up or at least sobbing. All is lost. Peter’s a coward. The mobs of Jerusalem are vermin. Jesus’ own mother has to watch his execution. Rough stuff, and it needs to be as bloody and violent as it was in real life. Something only Mr. Tarantino can do as artistically as Our Lord and Savior deserves.
I’m glad Mr. Tarantino liked my Resurrection scene. I was worried having the rock roll over and crush the Roman guards might be too bloody for Easter Sunday. I’m not sure how big that tomb was. I’ve seen pics of Holy Land tombs, they look a little puny, more like gym lockers. An explosion? Well I guess it could…is that your idea or Mr. Tarantino’s? No, no, it’s a good one. So you’re thinking the rock blasts open, blowing the guards to bits, and then Jesus just walks out. I like it. Especially if Brad is doing that understated ambling strut of his. Very cool.
Rough language? Hell no I don’t mind at all. These were rough folks. They don’t write Bible chapters about wimpy dudes who’ve never pounded a nail or turned a wrench. It won’t offend Christian moviegoers. They’ll flock, no pun intended, to the opening. Hey, they voted for Trump. They appreciate a leader whose a little rough around the edges.
No I didn’t consult the King James version. While writing I just followed my gut, what I know in my heart, what I’ve seen in other films, and of course the Lord’s guidance. That’s why I sent this to Mr. Tarantino in the first place. “Jesus Unchained” could inspire some publishers. The Good Book is sacred but it just might be time for an American version.
